Shit Movie of the Day – The Love Guru

Deep breaths, just inhale and slowly exhale.  You will not lash out as anger takes you further from the path of the enlightenment and inner peace.  Just breathe.  I realize the Mike Meyers may have made a terribly offensive and unfunny film and that is his path in life.  Calm and relax.  I get that maybe this was a movie made with the best intentions and not meant to perpetuate stereotypes of gurus and little people and other hate crime-esque representations in this movie.  Ohm……Ohm…..Ohmmmmmmmmmmm FUCK THIS!  TIME FOR ANGRY MOVIE WRITING!

Austin Powers trilogy star Mike Myers collaborates with writer Graham Gordy for this comedy concerning a self-help guru named Pitka (Myers) who devotes his life to unknotting the romantic entanglements of troubled couples. As a young child, Pitka is abandoned at the gates of an ashram in India and taken in by kindly gurus. An American by birth, Pitka absorbs the lessons taught to him by his teachers and later returns to the United States to become a leading authority on spirituality and self-help. While Pitka’s methods are decidedly unorthodox, they may be the only means of ensuring that the Toronto Maple Leafs win the coveted Stanley Cup. Maple Leafs star Darren Roanoke (Romany Malco) is in trouble. His estranged wife has recently begun dating L.A. Kings star Jacques Grande (Justin Timberlake) in a vengeful effort to send her husband’s career into a tailspin, and when Roanoke starts to falter on the ice, the whole team starts to suffer. As their visions of leading the Maple Leafs to the Stanley Cup are quickly going up in flames, team owner Jane Bullard (Jessica Alba) and Coach Cherkov (Verne Troyer) enlist the aid of the world’s best-known relationship expert in restoring the peace between Roanoke and his wife, and getting their team back on track to the championships. ~ Jason Buchanan, Rovi

Where to begin with this shit film.  I could literally pick apart everything about this movie since there is nothing remotely funny, redeeming, or interesting about this movie.  I guess since it’s a comedy, let’s go with the “humor” aspect of this movie, to which predictably, there is nothing humorous about this.  This is a movie designed to get a laugh from the people that giggle when people fart at certain times or just love absolutely, bottom rung toilet humor, and even they would be hard pressed to find something funny about this.  The term toilet humor to Myers is apparently to have actual piss and shit jokes in the movie.  What do you mean?  Well we see Elephant shit being used as a joke.  The guru and a assistant break out mops sopped with piss that they swing at one another, giggling at their watersports antics.  Yeah, the literal interpretation of toilet is the crux of the comedy in this movie.

None of that shit, actual or not, is even remotely funny.  There isn’t a moment in this movie where I cracked a smile or chuckled  or laughed at how terrible this movie is.  I like crass humor as much as the next person, but it was grating that I could hardly enjoy because I was constantly being offended by this movie.  And when they aren’t making a shit or piss joke, they just constantly using poor Verne Troyer as the butt of every other joke in the movie.  Myers does his usual schtick of making stupid puns in relation to Verne height and none of it is funny, especially when it happens in every scene.

This just kills comedy, I mean just murders it outright.  Everything tries to be a joke in this movie that there is no restraint in any of the comedy.  Myers just gets let off the chain to do whatever the fuck he wants and no one is there to tell him, hey maybe not so many little people jokes.  Oh shit I almost forgot that even the character names are terrible sexual puns that are just about as groan worthy as the entire movie.  Justin Timberlake’s character is Jacques “Le Coq” Grande.  Oh I get it, he has a huge cock right?  Funny.  Ben Kingsley is another guru named Guru Tugginmypudha, which refers to someone tugging on their dick.  Hilarious.  And Verne Troyer is named Coach Cherkov, like Jerkoff.  Haha comedy.

I can’t even come up with a clever pun to end this on, so bye.

About Nick
I am just another blogger putting his thoughts into a website. My love is movies so most of my musings will be movie related. I work as an online marketer for an advertising company and when I am not earning a paycheck, I moonlight as a vigilante film blogger.

10 Responses to Shit Movie of the Day – The Love Guru

  1. mistylayne says:

    Again, I can’t feel bad for you at this point. I kinda just want to give you a good kick in the shins for doing this to yourself. 😉

    • Nick says:

      I really wish you would have kicked me, cause I deserve it.

      Now I know why I just outright avoid these movies, but as a movie watcher, you got to realize that there are just crap movies out there that make you cherish the good ones you see.

      I am trying to see the silver lining to this all, but its really hard to when I just see a cloud of rage in front of me. 😛

  2. filmhipster says:

    Yup, it’s shit alright.

  3. The Love Guru is so fucking bad. One of my dumb friends had me watch it. Just miserable.

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